Near Death

It scares me that my first post in several months started with a poem about death.

One of my biggest fears in life is to die, I am afraid that I will die alone. With no one to hold my hand, no one to whisper the syahadah in my ear and no one to tell me "it's all going to be ok soon"

Right now, I think those fears aren't prevalent, because I have my best friends near by. Last night, twas a different story.

Having a long night random sessions with my friends are quite a norm. We hanged near Teluk Batik and talked for a very long time. Heading back, suddenly a car swerved to our side of the road, missing us by inches. All I could remember was at one point I was talking to Faris, and the next I could see a headlight of a car going on course for a head-on-head collision with us. It missed.

What if it hit us.

What if we were driving faster.

What if we were on the right lane.

What if we died.

What if they died.

PS: All I want is you....

A sudden realization

Forgive me for I have sinned.

Staring at the valley of death.

Longing for a brutal eternity.

I really don't know what those line mean.

So I was having a quick run about the campus, and suddenly I stopped running. It was nearing Maghrib prayers and the sun was quickly setting behind those puffy blue clouds. For the first time in my actual life as a student, I stopped and took everything in. To be honest, I've never tried to appreciate anything in my life. What I knew, was it was just already there. Sitting by the bedside, staring at me every single day. But never once had I appreciated the serenity of this beauty.

It quickly reminded me of the Robert Frost poem "The Road not Taken".

"Two roads diverged into a yellow road,
and sorry I could not travel both...."

Had I been running too fast that I could not see the other yellow road? Did I get the chance to feel sorry that I couldn't choose which road to follow? And is this the best road that I have chosen?

I suddenly realized, I'm about to end my tenure as a student here. I will become a legitimate adult soon. Have all my dreams came true? Is it too late for me to achieve something more here?

......or should I just stop, and appreciate whats in front of me right now. And hold on for dear life, until I have to let go.

What's with all these questions?

PS: This is my temporary home, it's not where I belong.

Last Ramadhan

Last Ramadhan was the best Ramadhan that I have observed.

I almost did all that was needed to be done. And I did it with an open heart.

Not only that. I had someone by my side that made me feel stronger than ever.

We had sahur together. A simple meal. I made sure she ate something. That little tummy of her always gets windy.

We broke fast together. Individually in our rooms. Prayed maghrib. Then had a simple meal. Clad with our Jubba's. Waiting to go for terawih.

I miss that.

Now. I'll just be waiting till its 6.00pm. Looking at the watch and wondering we're I'll get my next meal.

I don't see a purpose.

I pray to Allah everyday to grant me happiness. I'll always think its you.

Society

I've always had a problem of fitting in. I don't usually have close friends. My ethics and morality is different from others, and people have a problem with that.

I am a man that is brave enough to admit that I'm afraid and I'm sad.

Why do people mock me when I do so.

Why do people say I'm a lesser man?

JUST TAKE A FINGER UP THE ASS SOCIETY!

Even if I'm alone

I remembered, at the time you needed me most. I was there for you.

I remembered, at the time you were most scared, I was there for you.

I remembered, at the time your tears wouldn't stop, I was there for you.

Where are you now? I need you the most.

Where are you now? I am afraid.

Where are you now? I'm crying and I can't stop.

It seems that you used me like a dirty old cloth, you've thrown me away after I've cleaned you up.

And now, you're gone, I have to face this, even if I'm alone.

I died

I died a little bit inside.

It was the first time that I met you for months. It was supposed to be something special. It was supposed to be remembered.

But I met you, and I could feel this wide gap between us.

And I died a little bit inside.

Pretending

I am pretending to be Okay.

I am pretending to be Strong.

I am pretending to not Care.

For the sake of not showing how much I need you.

For the sake of not showing how much I want you.

Because you think I am too desperate.

Because you think I am a no one.

Look.

I do not care if I am not the one.

I do not care if in the future you find someone else.

But what I do care.

Is I want to be there every step of the way.

Not as someone special, but as your god damn friend.

Give this friendship a chance.

Stop avoiding me.

Stop avoiding me.