I fell

I fell hard and it hurts.

The postscript up there has double meanings. First is that I literally fell down hard on my ass when I was playing football this afternoon. I thought for a second there I broke my bone (more specifically my coccyx) but luckily the amount of fatness in my ass just broke the fall for me.

Falling hard sucks. It doesn’t matter if you fall down like me, fall down the stairs or fall down from were you think it was the best place for you. I have a story to tell you, it maybe quite boring yet there are certain morals in it that you can take precedence.

The teenage years of my life are full of show boating and arrogance due to the feeling that I should be significant in other people’s perspective. I should be the yellow dot on the map that men search for when they’re lost. I should be the marker in which men should strive to accomplish. I should be the asshole for believing that I am significant to other men when I’m just a fuck wanting to be important.

I remember one chapter in my life that totally changed the direction in the way I think. That is which the moment I entered the debate team in my school (boarding school mind you). I was young and naïve, eager to impose myself as masterful player in the arena of debating. Eager to be known as the one that acts as a benchmark to school debaters. Yet, was I even ready to be a benchmark of myself yet alone others? I was in denial.

Long story short, I did manage to knick into the debate team but only as an understudy to my seniors. Still, it was a huge step for me. In that year, we won numerous championships notably the Prime Ministers Cup. I was over my head with the accolades coming from the administration of the school and even the district education office (is that right?). I became big headed. Show boating to friends and showing my arrogance to teachers. My life was pretty fucked up at that moment. Well, I’m not complaining as it was my fault. I was young and naïve, loving the spotlight.

A year passed by and I became the prime debater. I was so called the ‘star’ in the team and I would carry them once more to the final. The accolade was filling my head; it also filled my arrogance and the feud with my superiors. Like people say ‘jatuh cam nangka busuk’, I was too like a nangka busuk. The team only went as far as the group stages and it was I to blame.

I hoped to much to be significant finding out that I’m just a regular bloke.

Due to the show boating and the arrogance, I didn’t win the prize that I know realize carry much importance to me. Friends. I carried myself with such a low self demeanor which I thought was good for my self esteem. It had actually eaten me inside out. Nevertheless, without this lively experience, I still would be the same bloke with such arrogance that even Zeus would envy and at the same time lose it all.

My ass still hurts.