Near Death

It scares me that my first post in several months started with a poem about death.

One of my biggest fears in life is to die, I am afraid that I will die alone. With no one to hold my hand, no one to whisper the syahadah in my ear and no one to tell me "it's all going to be ok soon"

Right now, I think those fears aren't prevalent, because I have my best friends near by. Last night, twas a different story.

Having a long night random sessions with my friends are quite a norm. We hanged near Teluk Batik and talked for a very long time. Heading back, suddenly a car swerved to our side of the road, missing us by inches. All I could remember was at one point I was talking to Faris, and the next I could see a headlight of a car going on course for a head-on-head collision with us. It missed.

What if it hit us.

What if we were driving faster.

What if we were on the right lane.

What if we died.

What if they died.

PS: All I want is you....

A sudden realization

Forgive me for I have sinned.

Staring at the valley of death.

Longing for a brutal eternity.

I really don't know what those line mean.

So I was having a quick run about the campus, and suddenly I stopped running. It was nearing Maghrib prayers and the sun was quickly setting behind those puffy blue clouds. For the first time in my actual life as a student, I stopped and took everything in. To be honest, I've never tried to appreciate anything in my life. What I knew, was it was just already there. Sitting by the bedside, staring at me every single day. But never once had I appreciated the serenity of this beauty.

It quickly reminded me of the Robert Frost poem "The Road not Taken".

"Two roads diverged into a yellow road,
and sorry I could not travel both...."

Had I been running too fast that I could not see the other yellow road? Did I get the chance to feel sorry that I couldn't choose which road to follow? And is this the best road that I have chosen?

I suddenly realized, I'm about to end my tenure as a student here. I will become a legitimate adult soon. Have all my dreams came true? Is it too late for me to achieve something more here?

......or should I just stop, and appreciate whats in front of me right now. And hold on for dear life, until I have to let go.

What's with all these questions?

PS: This is my temporary home, it's not where I belong.

Last Ramadhan

Last Ramadhan was the best Ramadhan that I have observed.

I almost did all that was needed to be done. And I did it with an open heart.

Not only that. I had someone by my side that made me feel stronger than ever.

We had sahur together. A simple meal. I made sure she ate something. That little tummy of her always gets windy.

We broke fast together. Individually in our rooms. Prayed maghrib. Then had a simple meal. Clad with our Jubba's. Waiting to go for terawih.

I miss that.

Now. I'll just be waiting till its 6.00pm. Looking at the watch and wondering we're I'll get my next meal.

I don't see a purpose.

I pray to Allah everyday to grant me happiness. I'll always think its you.

Society

I've always had a problem of fitting in. I don't usually have close friends. My ethics and morality is different from others, and people have a problem with that.

I am a man that is brave enough to admit that I'm afraid and I'm sad.

Why do people mock me when I do so.

Why do people say I'm a lesser man?

JUST TAKE A FINGER UP THE ASS SOCIETY!

Even if I'm alone

I remembered, at the time you needed me most. I was there for you.

I remembered, at the time you were most scared, I was there for you.

I remembered, at the time your tears wouldn't stop, I was there for you.

Where are you now? I need you the most.

Where are you now? I am afraid.

Where are you now? I'm crying and I can't stop.

It seems that you used me like a dirty old cloth, you've thrown me away after I've cleaned you up.

And now, you're gone, I have to face this, even if I'm alone.

I died

I died a little bit inside.

It was the first time that I met you for months. It was supposed to be something special. It was supposed to be remembered.

But I met you, and I could feel this wide gap between us.

And I died a little bit inside.

Pretending

I am pretending to be Okay.

I am pretending to be Strong.

I am pretending to not Care.

For the sake of not showing how much I need you.

For the sake of not showing how much I want you.

Because you think I am too desperate.

Because you think I am a no one.

Look.

I do not care if I am not the one.

I do not care if in the future you find someone else.

But what I do care.

Is I want to be there every step of the way.

Not as someone special, but as your god damn friend.

Give this friendship a chance.

Stop avoiding me.

Stop avoiding me.

moving away

It's quite surprising with the amount of traffic I've received this past month. I've decided to change my URL just to make it slightly harder for people to find me. I know personally that my sisters are reading my blog, and it is highly uncomfortable to let them read it.

So here I go, I'll be changing my URL to talkwalklaugh.blogspot.com and I'll be doing so tomorrow.

See you guys there.

A new found belief and angst

I spent the whole weekend at STAR, Ipoh to watch the annual PPM Debating Championships. Being in quite near to UTP, I thought it would be a great chance to support my Alma Mater and to meet up with old friends.

Ironically, the only "old friend" that I met was my old debate teacher that moved to a different school. Talked about the feud we had after the 2007 PPM and laughed it off with a smile on our faces.

But the best part of spending a whole lot of dough going back and forth to Ipoh, is meeting the juniors that I'd never knew nor met, and develop a surprisingly brotherly bond of SASER with them. Though I do resent myself for being such a douche back then, SASER will be and forever be my alma mater.\

It's a clear fact that I am what of a fire in the middle of cold desert night, being blow left and right with embers of wood the only light remaining, in terms of debate. I had lost the bite and passion to move forward as I do believe my time has passed in achieving something big in the debate community. However, watching these boys being the underdogs, and taking fate by the scruffels of their collars, and saying "We won't succumb to lowly expectations being placed upon us", I guess that ember has slowly reignited. Hopefully burning till the day I get my robes.

Tough luck to my boys, they almost had it, but beaten by style of a stupid system. I know you can make it in future competitions.

Angst.

My self confidence has taken a beating. I don't think anyone would look up to this tall man and say I like you. People have their own specifics of beauty, and I don't think I fit into any category nor will I be called upon to fill any empty seats.

PS: I see the blue car gliding by, and I can do nothing but hope for it to stop.

How do I play it?

It's been a confusing question I've been asking myself these past couple of months.

I asked many opinions from a diverse walk of people, and they all have different answers to it. It kills me inside to not know what to do. I like to be in control of my life, to have a plan, and to stick to said plan. Now, there's no plan. It's me going commando, and I think the commies are killing the living daylights out of me.

I've known you very closely for 3 years, give or take. I know for a fact that you have this steel lock surrounding that soft and gooey heart of yours, and it will take a monumental effort to break that lock. I know for a fact you want the man to chase after you, and like in the movies, be that knight and shining armour. To hold and to love.

So I guess I'm trying to do that. But I guess, you don't like that anymore?

I am not the type of guy to ignore someone I care so much. Being the so-called "cool guy" and pretending that I don't care is seriously not my thing. I do believe love should not be a game. You don't play love. Love is sacred. Love is full. Love is looking like psycho-maniac stalker and hoping the girl won't call the cops. (ok, i got carried away there).

So, in front of me is a hypothetical table. And I will hypothetically place my heart on the table. And I'll put a hypothetical sledge hammer beside the heart. So you can hypothetically decide to sledge hammer my heart and I'll be gone, or you can put it back, either as my best friend or slightly more than that.

It's the last chance I got.

ps: You can go hard, or you can go home.

A withered Sunflower

I wanted the post to be called "A Withered Rose" but I'm afraid some people will take it the wrong way.

At times of illness, you can't do much. I've been socially lazy to get out of this room for several reasons. Being sick and lethargic, the climb to level 5 is just too tiring, I have food in the form of a Nutella spread and Gardenia bread along with Mocca's fantastic 3-in-1 instant Nescafe. And the final reason is that, I don't have a reason to go down.

No one to force me to take my meds, or go to the clinic. No one to force me to eat a wholesome meal. I'm free from anyone telling me to do anything. Somehow, it doesn't feel as pleasant as society said it would be.

I feel withered for only eating breakfast at 9. Then off to class, then coming back feeling week, and sleeping for the whole day. My tummy is grumbling to be filled in, and I am not someone that preaches starvation. Tapi tulah, I feel too withered to do anything about it.

Luckily, Jepp came to my room and he jammed using my guitar. I did feel that his guitar skills is severely mocking mine, but thats another story all together. Anywho, it felt good that a mate is here to cheer you up. Heads up for Eupho, Jepp will be playing Come Together by The Beatles.

So now, I feel a wee bit stronger with The Smiths playing in the background, and perhaps will head down to the cafe to catch something. If it's still open.

ps: I don't want the world to see, 'cause I don't think that they'd understand.

Clique

I'm not really into hanging out that much. I'd take a good book in bed, rather than several puffs of smoke at the mamak.

The reason is simple. As you know, I like to talk, but I don't like to talk crap (being a wee bit pretentious here). When you hang out with the boys, its usually the same old story over and over again. So I would eventually just sit quiet and laugh at jokes.

Now though, I guess I kinda found my clique. 2 awesome dudes with one ultra-feminist chick (ULTRA FEMINIST!). Somehow, everything is interesting, however I do have to admit that there are a lot of cigarettes involved, but meh.

I guess, having some sort of intellectual talks really help in forgetting lost hopes.

PS: You're like an indian summer in the middle of winter, like a hard candy with a surprise center.

It's sinking in

Sitting in this chair. At the same side of the room. 7 months ago. It felt so comfortable.

Sitting in this chair. At the same side of the room. 7 months gone. I feel an angst and misery.

It's all sinking in.

It's all sinking in.

You're alone. You're alone. You're alone.

And no one out there is gonna help you.

PS: If you see me, please don't raise awkward questions. Like seriously, its hard to say yes with a smile on your face.  

It feels so rough

I miss my best friend.

Through out my life, I had never invested in best friends. My group of friends were either acquaintances or close friends.

It's like I never tried to find one, because I know. Friends will eventually leave, and that void will be left. If you don't get attached, you don't get hurt. Simple as that.

Until I met you.

I often come across as someone cold and snobbish, from high school up till my foundations. It was some sort of a defense mechanism that I'd developed in SASER to combat the hypocrisy in the surroundings. I called it my shell. A place where only I can go.

It took a lot of time for her to break that barrier, but she surely did. She surely did my friends. It was comfortable speaking, talking and discussing. I valued those things very much. So far, no one could match the level of intellectual intimacy we had.

But now, I feel like a stranger to you, and it feels so rough.

It's a little bit of everything

In this world, you need a little bit of everything.

A little bit of love, a little bit of passion and a little bit of dream. But there's this one little thing that people need in bulk. Allah.

Ask Him to grant you hidayah. Ask Him for compassion. Ask Him to ease the pain in your heart.

But don't just ask, give to Him your du'a and give to Him your heart.

It works both ways.

PS: Insya Allah.

Heartless

Kanye West asked me the other day, "How could you be so heartless?".

I was once an optimist, with dreams and plans. I thought I had the world. haha. What a fool.

Why am I heartless?

I had given my heart to someone, I trusted that they'd be there for me forever and ever. I was mislead. They found greener pastures. I found slightly yellowish ones. One person had to hurt. I'm not blaming it on anyone. I'm not saying both parties wasn't hurt. I'm rambling. Sorry.

I wish it had gone better. You were both my best friends. My go to people. My steal in the wool. I had full trust, and I had full love for both of you.

We are still friends, no doubt. But it won't be the same anymore.

Remember the sweet memories.

PS: What are words if you really don't mean 'em when you say 'em.

Of zits and hormones

Lately there has been an influx of acne on the lower jawline of my face. I'm not sure why it had focussed on that particular area, but somehow I'm annoyed it isn't equally distributed.

I have a theory that this happened due to the amount of stress for the last month of my internship, coupled with the excessive amount of nicotine intake and the lack of exercise.

Been trying real hard to cut back on the nicotine, and alhamdulillah its bearing fruit :) the exercise part though, that's a tricky one.

Or perhaps I've been thinking too much. Meh. I don't know. LOL.

Hopefully my zits will be gone by the end of the month and i'll be back to shape soon, and by shape I mean apple. Bad joke there, I know. Right, I'm rambling, till next time.

Ps: lets set the world on fire, we can burn brighter, than the sun!

I woke up this morning

I've been drained of my life source by the lords of Mr. S for the past 7 months, and I'm regaining what I've lost, SLEEP!

So I woke up today, doing my usual routine of Subuh, then a couple pages of the book I'm currently reading, then a quick doze off, then I wake up and open up my laptop. My heart skipped a beat today. I'm not going into details, but may I say, you look real beautiful my dear. Delightful in every sense, an essence of happiness in each smile. :D

So, we gots this Bersih thingy a couple days back eh? I do believe, after reading one article (trying to be cynical here, failed attempt, I know), that the fight for free and fair elections is just. People have the right to know and believe that their casted votes are not being manipulated by a third party to benefit another party. Especially if said party is the party the voted against. Good enough for me. Though, I'd think the whole street demo was a bit of a "huh-hah" thingy rather than a real force for a legitimate cause. You have you're reasons, I have mine. But here's the next question I'd like to pose.... will it work?

In a very humble but slightly cunning way, I'd like to say no. Lets look into a scenario yea, even if the amendments that the Bersih organizers are crying for would pass in the Dewan Negara. By right of public opinion, our elections would be truly free and fair, am I right? Think again.

There are several ways to manipulate the system, and the biggest and easiest way to do so. Is with some paper with a Sultan's face on it. Everything starts with big people having a lot of money and will end with these big people stop using money for leverage. and where did this money come from? The banks of course, and banks will work on the principle of certainty. If they are certain a particular party is good enough to hold on to their interest and manage their investments, then said party will gain a certain leverage.

Having read that even though Ambiga had dispersed the crowd much earlier, the rally was hijacked by PR men. These people are smart, they want this to happen to Bersih, the tears gas, the violence. Because when this happens, it creates an uncertainty of trust from the banks to the ruling govt. Most probably giving the other party a chance to gain leverage.

I know this is all just a conspiracy theory, but hey, its logical in every sense.

Till next time :P

ps: We had a dream, We chased our dreams, We lost each other

Lose some, Gain some

It has been a week since I've ended my internship at SLB. I've gain plenty of new friends, rekindled old ones and appreciated the ones that stayed. Thank you for making my 7 months fun and amazing!

What makes you happy?

A question that I've been asking myself for quite some time now. Is it shit loads of money? Or ultimate popularity? Or just a scoop of Haagen Dasz ice cream?

Its quite subjective to have a fully comprehensive understanding on the term "happy", but I managed to see a glimpse of it the other day. The funny thing is, it didn't manifest through myself but transpired through a third party, or should I say....a couple :)

So I gots this bro,  a very good man. Always has bad luck in relationships, I coin it as his inability to close, if you know what I mean. Well, long story short, in his attempt to woo a human of opposite gender, I was there to witness this budding relationship blossom into something real beautiful.

From being mutual friends, to being close friends, to being really close friends and I hope, if everything goes well, they'd jump into a beautiful and intimate role I call a loving and caring relationship. It kinda reminds me of what I've been through *smiles ear to ear*

Alright then, till next time.

Ps: if fates and dreams collide, it would be majestic

It's almost that time of year again

It's almost that time of year again, where you can reflect back and see what you have achieved.

Tomorrow I'll be 22, the big TWO-TWO, and it would make me.......well, 22.

I'm expecting this year to be a mellow, perhaps no celebration, perhaps no remembrance. I assume I'm just the guy you see when you walk to class, or the guy you see when you don't know really hard English words. I was never the guy people came to for thick and thin. I never had a best friend, nor I think I would have one in the future. I will still be that guy who's gonna stay at home over the weekend, waking up late, watching the TV and eventually die lonely.

Right. Review of my goals.

To be honest, I am a very simple guy who wants simple things in life. I don't care if I have millions of money in my bank account, or if I live in a 2 bedroom apartment with 10 people. All I wanted was for somebody to love and to cherish.

With all my accomplishments so far, securing a job and shit. I deem my year of 21 unsuccessful. Because I lost the only thing that can make me happy. And whats worst than that, is that I have lost the will to love. I'm not sure if anyone can replicate what we had before, and I sure pity the next person I fall in love with, because she won't receive the same amount that you have.

I'm getting teary eyed with this. Dah la, benda dah lepas, buat apa ko nak pegang lama-lama kan?

My birthday wish for this year, is that I wish to move on. I wish to love myself more than I love another person. And I wish I won't be as weak as I was before. Please grant me that Ya Rabb.

That one moment...

Have you ever had that one moment where you just look in front of you and see a big dark wall, as if everything beyond that was your future but you can't see shit.

That is truly a horrendous feeling to have, it feels that all that you have worked for, and all that you planned, is just a waste of time and energy! That for once in your life, ypu don't expect anything from anyone, even from yourself.

I guess I'm feeling that right now.

No one to talk to, no one wanting to care, no one in your life that truly recognizes that you're in utter pain.

Yes, I am a man that tends to hide these emotions from normal acquantaince, I do not feel that some random people should know how you feel and your most vulnerable moment. So I heard this saying on twitter the other day.

"you've come to the point in life where you don't need a bunch of friends, but you need few loyal friends"

That's where the problem comes from, what I actually need is the ONE that will take my heart away, that ONE person that I can share all the hearts ups and downs. I thought I found you, I thought you were it, but you riped my hearts into pieces.

I have would do anything for you, I would have been the perfect man for you. I have never complained and I have nevet stopped loving you. But it hurts, it hurts when you say no, it hurts when you say we are over.

As words front Adele, just take it all and don't look back at this crumbling fool.

Tablet blogging

I guess i haven't blogged for quite some time now. Well I guess this is a fresh start, for a reason of course.

I had this someone, who was my avid reader or I might say my only reader. She loved the way I wrote and the way I articulate words into letters and texts, and yes, as you have might guessed, is no longer with me. So let me do this, as a gift or perhaps a last ditch effort to remind you about us...

Thank you for 3 wonderful years, and this blog is a testament to my love for you.

Ps: tablet blogging is not that bad