moving away

It's quite surprising with the amount of traffic I've received this past month. I've decided to change my URL just to make it slightly harder for people to find me. I know personally that my sisters are reading my blog, and it is highly uncomfortable to let them read it.

So here I go, I'll be changing my URL to talkwalklaugh.blogspot.com and I'll be doing so tomorrow.

See you guys there.

A new found belief and angst

I spent the whole weekend at STAR, Ipoh to watch the annual PPM Debating Championships. Being in quite near to UTP, I thought it would be a great chance to support my Alma Mater and to meet up with old friends.

Ironically, the only "old friend" that I met was my old debate teacher that moved to a different school. Talked about the feud we had after the 2007 PPM and laughed it off with a smile on our faces.

But the best part of spending a whole lot of dough going back and forth to Ipoh, is meeting the juniors that I'd never knew nor met, and develop a surprisingly brotherly bond of SASER with them. Though I do resent myself for being such a douche back then, SASER will be and forever be my alma mater.\

It's a clear fact that I am what of a fire in the middle of cold desert night, being blow left and right with embers of wood the only light remaining, in terms of debate. I had lost the bite and passion to move forward as I do believe my time has passed in achieving something big in the debate community. However, watching these boys being the underdogs, and taking fate by the scruffels of their collars, and saying "We won't succumb to lowly expectations being placed upon us", I guess that ember has slowly reignited. Hopefully burning till the day I get my robes.

Tough luck to my boys, they almost had it, but beaten by style of a stupid system. I know you can make it in future competitions.

Angst.

My self confidence has taken a beating. I don't think anyone would look up to this tall man and say I like you. People have their own specifics of beauty, and I don't think I fit into any category nor will I be called upon to fill any empty seats.

PS: I see the blue car gliding by, and I can do nothing but hope for it to stop.

How do I play it?

It's been a confusing question I've been asking myself these past couple of months.

I asked many opinions from a diverse walk of people, and they all have different answers to it. It kills me inside to not know what to do. I like to be in control of my life, to have a plan, and to stick to said plan. Now, there's no plan. It's me going commando, and I think the commies are killing the living daylights out of me.

I've known you very closely for 3 years, give or take. I know for a fact that you have this steel lock surrounding that soft and gooey heart of yours, and it will take a monumental effort to break that lock. I know for a fact you want the man to chase after you, and like in the movies, be that knight and shining armour. To hold and to love.

So I guess I'm trying to do that. But I guess, you don't like that anymore?

I am not the type of guy to ignore someone I care so much. Being the so-called "cool guy" and pretending that I don't care is seriously not my thing. I do believe love should not be a game. You don't play love. Love is sacred. Love is full. Love is looking like psycho-maniac stalker and hoping the girl won't call the cops. (ok, i got carried away there).

So, in front of me is a hypothetical table. And I will hypothetically place my heart on the table. And I'll put a hypothetical sledge hammer beside the heart. So you can hypothetically decide to sledge hammer my heart and I'll be gone, or you can put it back, either as my best friend or slightly more than that.

It's the last chance I got.

ps: You can go hard, or you can go home.

A withered Sunflower

I wanted the post to be called "A Withered Rose" but I'm afraid some people will take it the wrong way.

At times of illness, you can't do much. I've been socially lazy to get out of this room for several reasons. Being sick and lethargic, the climb to level 5 is just too tiring, I have food in the form of a Nutella spread and Gardenia bread along with Mocca's fantastic 3-in-1 instant Nescafe. And the final reason is that, I don't have a reason to go down.

No one to force me to take my meds, or go to the clinic. No one to force me to eat a wholesome meal. I'm free from anyone telling me to do anything. Somehow, it doesn't feel as pleasant as society said it would be.

I feel withered for only eating breakfast at 9. Then off to class, then coming back feeling week, and sleeping for the whole day. My tummy is grumbling to be filled in, and I am not someone that preaches starvation. Tapi tulah, I feel too withered to do anything about it.

Luckily, Jepp came to my room and he jammed using my guitar. I did feel that his guitar skills is severely mocking mine, but thats another story all together. Anywho, it felt good that a mate is here to cheer you up. Heads up for Eupho, Jepp will be playing Come Together by The Beatles.

So now, I feel a wee bit stronger with The Smiths playing in the background, and perhaps will head down to the cafe to catch something. If it's still open.

ps: I don't want the world to see, 'cause I don't think that they'd understand.

Clique

I'm not really into hanging out that much. I'd take a good book in bed, rather than several puffs of smoke at the mamak.

The reason is simple. As you know, I like to talk, but I don't like to talk crap (being a wee bit pretentious here). When you hang out with the boys, its usually the same old story over and over again. So I would eventually just sit quiet and laugh at jokes.

Now though, I guess I kinda found my clique. 2 awesome dudes with one ultra-feminist chick (ULTRA FEMINIST!). Somehow, everything is interesting, however I do have to admit that there are a lot of cigarettes involved, but meh.

I guess, having some sort of intellectual talks really help in forgetting lost hopes.

PS: You're like an indian summer in the middle of winter, like a hard candy with a surprise center.

It's sinking in

Sitting in this chair. At the same side of the room. 7 months ago. It felt so comfortable.

Sitting in this chair. At the same side of the room. 7 months gone. I feel an angst and misery.

It's all sinking in.

It's all sinking in.

You're alone. You're alone. You're alone.

And no one out there is gonna help you.

PS: If you see me, please don't raise awkward questions. Like seriously, its hard to say yes with a smile on your face.  

It feels so rough

I miss my best friend.

Through out my life, I had never invested in best friends. My group of friends were either acquaintances or close friends.

It's like I never tried to find one, because I know. Friends will eventually leave, and that void will be left. If you don't get attached, you don't get hurt. Simple as that.

Until I met you.

I often come across as someone cold and snobbish, from high school up till my foundations. It was some sort of a defense mechanism that I'd developed in SASER to combat the hypocrisy in the surroundings. I called it my shell. A place where only I can go.

It took a lot of time for her to break that barrier, but she surely did. She surely did my friends. It was comfortable speaking, talking and discussing. I valued those things very much. So far, no one could match the level of intellectual intimacy we had.

But now, I feel like a stranger to you, and it feels so rough.

It's a little bit of everything

In this world, you need a little bit of everything.

A little bit of love, a little bit of passion and a little bit of dream. But there's this one little thing that people need in bulk. Allah.

Ask Him to grant you hidayah. Ask Him for compassion. Ask Him to ease the pain in your heart.

But don't just ask, give to Him your du'a and give to Him your heart.

It works both ways.

PS: Insya Allah.

Heartless

Kanye West asked me the other day, "How could you be so heartless?".

I was once an optimist, with dreams and plans. I thought I had the world. haha. What a fool.

Why am I heartless?

I had given my heart to someone, I trusted that they'd be there for me forever and ever. I was mislead. They found greener pastures. I found slightly yellowish ones. One person had to hurt. I'm not blaming it on anyone. I'm not saying both parties wasn't hurt. I'm rambling. Sorry.

I wish it had gone better. You were both my best friends. My go to people. My steal in the wool. I had full trust, and I had full love for both of you.

We are still friends, no doubt. But it won't be the same anymore.

Remember the sweet memories.

PS: What are words if you really don't mean 'em when you say 'em.

Of zits and hormones

Lately there has been an influx of acne on the lower jawline of my face. I'm not sure why it had focussed on that particular area, but somehow I'm annoyed it isn't equally distributed.

I have a theory that this happened due to the amount of stress for the last month of my internship, coupled with the excessive amount of nicotine intake and the lack of exercise.

Been trying real hard to cut back on the nicotine, and alhamdulillah its bearing fruit :) the exercise part though, that's a tricky one.

Or perhaps I've been thinking too much. Meh. I don't know. LOL.

Hopefully my zits will be gone by the end of the month and i'll be back to shape soon, and by shape I mean apple. Bad joke there, I know. Right, I'm rambling, till next time.

Ps: lets set the world on fire, we can burn brighter, than the sun!

I woke up this morning

I've been drained of my life source by the lords of Mr. S for the past 7 months, and I'm regaining what I've lost, SLEEP!

So I woke up today, doing my usual routine of Subuh, then a couple pages of the book I'm currently reading, then a quick doze off, then I wake up and open up my laptop. My heart skipped a beat today. I'm not going into details, but may I say, you look real beautiful my dear. Delightful in every sense, an essence of happiness in each smile. :D

So, we gots this Bersih thingy a couple days back eh? I do believe, after reading one article (trying to be cynical here, failed attempt, I know), that the fight for free and fair elections is just. People have the right to know and believe that their casted votes are not being manipulated by a third party to benefit another party. Especially if said party is the party the voted against. Good enough for me. Though, I'd think the whole street demo was a bit of a "huh-hah" thingy rather than a real force for a legitimate cause. You have you're reasons, I have mine. But here's the next question I'd like to pose.... will it work?

In a very humble but slightly cunning way, I'd like to say no. Lets look into a scenario yea, even if the amendments that the Bersih organizers are crying for would pass in the Dewan Negara. By right of public opinion, our elections would be truly free and fair, am I right? Think again.

There are several ways to manipulate the system, and the biggest and easiest way to do so. Is with some paper with a Sultan's face on it. Everything starts with big people having a lot of money and will end with these big people stop using money for leverage. and where did this money come from? The banks of course, and banks will work on the principle of certainty. If they are certain a particular party is good enough to hold on to their interest and manage their investments, then said party will gain a certain leverage.

Having read that even though Ambiga had dispersed the crowd much earlier, the rally was hijacked by PR men. These people are smart, they want this to happen to Bersih, the tears gas, the violence. Because when this happens, it creates an uncertainty of trust from the banks to the ruling govt. Most probably giving the other party a chance to gain leverage.

I know this is all just a conspiracy theory, but hey, its logical in every sense.

Till next time :P

ps: We had a dream, We chased our dreams, We lost each other